Have had very bad pain in right hand and shoulder...

Spam deleted. Thanks! 'here's to your health!'

for a couple of days now. May be hand and shoulder syndrome, nerve damage from past injuries ,arthritis, dunno. See dr. Thursday at local clinic for free. Anyone know what this may be? Email me,thanks.

 

went to ent for my nose..

no spamming. Thanks! said have perforated septum. next month going to have allergy tests too. gave me a saline rinse interim and script for acid reflux from postnasal drip. list given of foods to avoid too.

Have Poison Ivy again..

Spam deleted. 

I get it yearly this time of year as my pets roll in it and it's around the property where I live as I border the woods where it grows rampant. I ha ve a bad case of it this year that won't go away. had on arms,etc. but now is on my face and other places sun doesn't shine on which is very uncomfortable. Saw doctor today who gave me some meds so should help with the itch. Am taking benadryl orally and topically too. So how about you,do you get or  have it?



this is an old post from the summer.

Still have cellulitis..

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on my arms contracted from itching my poison ivy.
Am taking antibiotics for it so better but still there as itchy and scratch and gets  red again,swells. Just need to give it time.  had made a poultice of apple cidar vinegar and hot water and dipped  gauze in it an applied to wounds but may have been too strong and burned it.

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month..

While I appreciate your comments to my posts, I would ask firstly that they pertain to topic and are not spam in nature. Thanks!

All can say is wear your helmet if riding bike. Also before talking about someone with a mental disability within ear shot of them that you are being rude and would you want the same treatment about your shortcomings?! Yes we all have them. Remember you too can get this injury. Also 1 in 4 people will have a mental illness at some point in their lives. ex. a death of a parent and one gets very down leading to depression beyond the average grief process,if there is such a thing. Remember people with mental challenges whether it be ADD,autism,mental illness,head injury,brain tumor,brain aneurism,etc. deserve the same respect you would give someone with physical illness because it is. Many with mental illness are so because of chemical imbalance in brain making them depressed. When down don't want to do                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    much.

Archives of Conferences on BPD

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Just click on link of post title.

I have been having a hard time of late. Why? I suppose alot to accept. Don't have to like it though.

Alone alot as no close friends,any one to do things with or to help me if needed help even if for barter.

Making no money,not for lack of trying. Someone went to an event with me and I paid her back with jewelry make. I asked her if could do an event with me but she had plans. She has a job. Since don't hear from her,figure won't call anymore.

I know people but they have their own lives and problems so detach from me and mine.

type with 1 finger as need battery so hold pc plug or pc cuts off.

welcome to my life.

no car to get to events to sell jewelry. just had concert this weekend.
could have sold if got there. then there's the fee. how can I pay if don't have as not making it? could borrow from ma but her money. Am I a masochist as I have a solution but don't take it? No I don't like pain but avoiding it can be painful too when interferes with living your life. No guarantee will make anything and not gambling with mom's money.

Other than vending,nothing can do given my challenges. Yes I can share with you some things I do to cope like meditation,pray,stretch,deep breathe and so on..but not like I get beyond this. I feel with some support could. Did go to online recovery inc. meeting which helped. had anted to teach meditation class in town. librarians unfriendly tho i know skills. feel they on't call me. I also asked churches if could run ea and recovery inc meetings there. they need to look into it. I feel like will go nuts at times. Is meetups too where can invite people thru service online to group in area like for bpd. Don't think library would approve it. Meditation with someone,not me as stigmatize me,yes would approve. Keep me down here and broke. I could make money off it.

I think of moving as saw ad in Albany,1br for $400. I pay $650 now. Could save $,live better but why so cheap problem bad area. Pic looked nice. dunno. darned if do darned if don't. Mom in home here and would be hard to see her often as $34 round trip by bus and only run at rush hour so layover long back. Is doable and even though spend alot in car fare still cheaper than here. Would have $100 more a month.

Is a pain moving but hat is worse as sucks living here like this. If in Albany,could go to day time meetings,maybe get a p/t job somewhere,trauma therapist up there. I get treated like an alien here. They have family friends. Since I can't bond because of how raised, I don't. I wish could. Is best I keep my distance. As for a job,this comes up there too as can do for awhile but then falls apart. Sometimes I ish I was in a half way house but was for a month and they weren't supportive at all. Then I say how abot hospital,day program but then is the same. Just go to groups and alone rest of time as patients are either mean,noncommunicative,in on worlds,violent. Is why I think of suicide. I don't because of pets,mom,me but it gets tiring being me alot going thru this.

This only started recently as time on hands. I have to keep busy or get into my head.
with depression don't want to do much though so is the rub. I feel better after I do. Also I work programs daily like DBT,CBT,12 step,Recovery Inc,pray. Is like a seesaw. The devil,the illness,the negative thoughts,memories,anger,fear,every rotten thing anyone has done or said recently that I know on one side and the positive,secure thoughts,God,scripture from the Bible,program tools on the other. Is a war within myself going on. It stops after 8PM,has been like this for a long time, as day is done,only for it to start again the next day when rise. I enjoy being alone with my pets,being outside sitting in my yard alone at night,like the aloneness as no one understands here except someone else with this. I work hard to be honest,not manipulative. I am screaming inside,help me! Can't you see how much pain I am in? I just want some attention in a good way. Someone to talk to me nicely and not tell me what i should be doing like they understand where I am coming from as they don't. I have an exneighbor I see every once in awhile who is clueless as to why someone so smart as me and aware of her issues can't rise above them. The answer to that is if do too much I crack up.

Two things, I on't get involved with anyone nor will I work many hours. Why? If doesn't work out I will have a breakdown and be in hosital,not a nice place to be and be psychotic. I fear I won't get ot and will never return to any semblance of sanity which I do have. Is like I live in a parallel universe with the average person. I hear what are saying arond me but it is completely alien to my life. I hear commercials like this activity is going on this weekend. I can't get there so I stay home. I would like to go but no money either. If did though, I would appear perfectly normal as the mask i wear is so good. That is why noone has any compassion for me. They have to work for what have and figure so do I. What do you do with someone too imbalanced to? Live as I do I guess falling between a system that doesn't work,one day at a time in quiet desperation.

I get so tired of cli nical and text book reports of what BPD is. I want to know what one can do if they have it.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Me..

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(cont.)from select family,friends,support groups,chats,online and locally,humor,distract with movie,tv,not triggering),volunteering,cooking nice meal,hugging self,compassion for self,others,prayer,dropping judgement,expectations,comparing,moping,self pity,manipulating,complaining,worry,hypersensitivity,letting go of,making peace with past,forgiving those who hurt us,accept,be honest,courageous,positive,grateful,remember where were before,(replace old negative statements in writing with positive ones,reduce anger,fear with reframing,working self down,staying in day,control addictions,ask for help,company,not enabling helps. All relative. Put inspiring quotes on walls. Peace,God bless,good luck to all of us. Work it, worth it,stronger,better than you know. Brain remembers,we learn in time not to repeat same mistakes and walk down different st. so don't fall in hole again. Is crux of it. Weren't loved so we have to love us. Don't accept others trash just because have issues,maybe poor,jobless,friendless as keep to self to avoid pain or not being understood. No.one deserves abuse. It ends here,now when we say enough and take back that child,person wounded,depend on selves not another as a crutch,learn to and receive love and walk. No shame,not to blame. We didn't cause this but responsible for what do with it. Is like a balloon. By doing techniques I gave you and do myself,we let a little air out of it at a time so suffering lessens and is bearable We are great and survivors. If you are still here,you are doing more right than wrong. Nothing wrong with us,more like what happened to us. Celebrate your survival. When you finally overcome this you are a miracle and learn to love yourself. No one can take that from you.

Our journey inspires others to make the same as we fly on the backs of us pioneers just like geese taking turns leading,squawking,til we tire and let our sister,brother lead for a time til we reach our goals. Perfection is an illusion. We are ok right now as are,not defective.We need each other as we are part of a unique flock. We are not crazy but have been exposed to violence,etc. that made us function in maladaptive ways as we couldn't be direct to our abusers. When we find a safe place to live,take the right medicine,find a trauma therapist,meet other BPD peers,begin to use these tools above, the healing begins. Don't expect people who haven't lived this to understand and ask for advice as they can't give it to you. Is like we speak an unknown language. They can have empathy but they need to be in a group to deal with us. We are not bad just very misunderstood.

If click on link above can see various youtube videos concerning this illness,it's causes,treatment options,personal stories by those living ith BPD. I believe while it possible to get beyond the criteria for meeting this illness,based on the DSM manual,it is something llike alcoholism that one needs to be are of and manage for the rest of one's life. We can have a life today though due to the wonderful work and commitment from doctors in this field and the personal stories of people with this.

It is my wish that one day people with mental illness are treated with the same respect given to others with physical illnesses people can see. The best remedy is tolerance and inclusion not isolation as it breeds sickness. By daily doing what is necessary,not what we feel like doing we learn to cope with our feelings and let them rise and fall and run their course without attaching danger to them. we stop making mountains out of molehills and gradually learn ne ays of dealing with those and thew world around us and situations e may find ourselves in. We learn to make good decisions not impulsively,for us and our self esteem and security within us grows as we begin to have more and more positive experiences replacing the awful ones from the past. We stop staring as nothing ever changes there. we accept we have no power over others but ourselves and our attitudes and we begin to live life on life's terms not our own. As they say in 12 step promises.these will surely come if we work for them.

Hi. I am Back

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Well alot has been going on since I blogged last. Yes I found housing. Is ok. Not great but I manage. I have 1 1/2 bed room cottage. I moved in in July. Is unweatherized so rough in winter but I managed as I put plastic over windows,have rugs on floors,heavy curtain over door at night. January and February heat bill high as use propane.

I did not have internet and just used library pc where got booted off in a half hour so didn't write here. I also needed space and time as a 15 year relationship was in ended. We still chat on line occasionally by email and he gives cat support as two of his cats here. We had had eight. One was adopted,one at no kill shelter sadly,two he had at lace we shared and supposedly they were put in shelter. Pray they are well. All can do. Other four with me and my dog. We are well. We had a codependent relationship as we both have some addictions and some emotional challenges.

I did flea markets during summer for money with jewelry I make and will again this summer. Memorial day right around the corner.

My mom was ill since December of last year again until recently. I put her in nursing home. Now she is in a better one near me and I visit her weekly. She is mentally well tho mostly in wheel chair sadly. She is 91 though and I am grateful still have her. I am able to give back to her what did for me.

I joined a church and have become born again Christian. They have been very supportive of me especially when mom took ill. Pet sat even. I have some new sisters in Christ now as not close to one have.

Well that's about it. If care to comment on anything I mentioned please do. Maybe about relationships,faith,aging parents,how you save money and are surviving in this bad economy,
Mental Health Hope Chat

Beware of Asbestos..

We are starting to se commercials for this form of cancer now, espcially after 9/11 as many rescue workers have taken ill from all the debris in the air. My mom's former aide hasit and has tumors on her body. she is having chemo treatments. She got it from living many years in an attic apartment. now there is foam insulation whihc is safer. Read more on Mesothelioma

Dog and i are doing better..

'oldest dog,21,Long Island,NY'
Although I got a clean bill of health from the lab, i still think i had parasites and the vinegar killed it. My two cats are still coughing up worms though..despite all the medicines and natural remedies I gave them..Tomorrow they will get more apple cidar vinegar and other treatments in the sardines i will give them.

More bipolar (BP) links ...

called Beautiful Blonde Bitch

She has bipolar like me and is a cam girl like what I did for a few years. She also speaks of her days stripping. Says how she doesn't need to recover..Is contradictory as in same breath she says how bad she feels. Part of why she feels bad is taht she is in a profession taht objectifies women and opens the door to more abuse as an adult. the same door taht was opened as a child. At taht time we couldn't do much about it. Now we can. Just for today..as I am an addict and sex is one of my problem areas..I CHOOSE not to go there,just for me. I can't speak for anyone else. She is quite creative and bright. Writes poetry,does art,writes well..I suppose like me she has a hard time connecting to others and making $ in ordinary professons due to abuse and the trauma and obsessive thoughts and behaviours brought on by it. Also includes cronic depression. I do hope in time she can get out of an industry that makes $ off people's sex addictions. Is a known fact taht those in adult industry ahve been victims of sex abuse and sex is misused so as to become an addicton. Once it becomes compulsive and one isn't controling it and it controls them it is addiction. Man takes the drink and the drink takes the man..I am trying one day at a time. I am aware,not in denial and am dealing with the urges when they come. The biz is a power trip and we get off by the attention men give us by telling us how pretty we are and such while they wank off and tell us what to do. Can even get off to being told waht to do. I have used sex like a drug. Yeh we all get horny but it goes to extreme. Why? first time was with a guy and after he acted like he didn't know me and I in response died. Yes a part of me died taht day. Just like the innocent chid in me died. All this stuff kills the spirit and we are but left with a shell. One copes wtih feelings with addictions. I am brave enough to go thru the journey of facing my demons and opening pandora's box and letting them out and slaying them one by one. How? I am not just doing it alone..but wit my 12 step group,God and a good freind. They accept me,have compasson and don't judge. It takes one to know one,it takes one to help one. Peace -Ann

Another site here,on Bipolar

Here's another site for bipolar onbipolar help Over a million people visited this site. should tell you something huh?!) Yeh there are many out there with this diagnosis. Yet many of us are treated like freaks to live on the fringes of society. I function but that is where I live. Thank God I am not homeless. I also have a voice in my writing.

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