Dating Self into a Pychotic Disorder

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Well firstly , let me tell you i haven't dated in 8 years and am celibate that long too athough am satisfied if know what mean. I keep to and entertain self,buy my own candy an flowers. Is nice to have the right man but really don'teed one. Societyconditions ubetter with someone.The last one was with mostly came for the s#x. Last time saw him he showed up at my door because alleged relatives shared house with wanted him out. Let him stay weekend before showed him the door. Past relationships were in were mosty with working strangers who were emotionally unavailable. I learned sadly to be also. They would try to make me into someone wasn't as couildn't accept was shy,nervous,moody and was in and out of work as uncomfortable there. Like many men they wanted a beautiful,confident,successful,fun,funny,smart woman. Well was attractive and smart and could be funny and fun but self conscious. Always surprised me that men who weren't paying my bills, cared if wasn't working steadily. Why wasn't it enough to be with and like them? Not being liked for self is like dating yourself into Psychotic disorder.

I temped for awhile working in offices doing clerical,reception work,did cashier work at supermarkets,retail stores. Was bored silly. I gave up on relationships as when ended made me very sad where as they landed on their feet as i felt more than they did. Eventually dated casually but was unfulfilling and lowered my self esteem. Thought this way would have connection even if just physically without the disappointment and hurt of rejection. This behavior and acting is Dating your self into Psychotic disorder. Eventually became an entrepreneur in '96,opened a pet service. did that four years,lobbied in capital of NY for a year, did artistic modeling,painted,made jewelry,sold it at fairs,fests,etc,taught art class,jewelry design. Lately writing articles online and have a male friend who has been in life 17 years. We used to date but didn't work out. He has some issues as do I but we support each other emotionally and are honest as can be without the B.S. that often goes with dating as each is impressing the other at first.

Later realize person are with isn't who thought was as all of us come with baggage and are imperfect. The trick is beng able to love each other in spite of and perhaps because of it. That's what makes us unique. Sadly, this culture,squelches our personalities and we become human doings rather than human beings and lose our humanity with one another and instead function on a very superficial instead of spontaneous level. Often we hide our true selves for fear we won't be liked for who really are so instead are but reflections of what others want us to be. All this lying and hiding and wearing of masks can make, cause dating your self into a psychotic disorder if let it. My best advice would be to work on being secure in yourself before take on a man. They don't think like us remember. Having a few woman friends can talk to that 'get you' is best as the man you're with may not. Sorry

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Well alot has been going on since I blogged last. Yes I found housing. Is ok. Not great but I manage. I have 1 1/2 bed room cottage. I moved in in July. Is unweatherized so rough in winter but I managed as I put plastic over windows,have rugs on floors,heavy curtain over door at night. January and February heat bill high as use propane.

I did not have internet and just used library pc where got booted off in a half hour so didn't write here. I also needed space and time as a 15 year relationship was in ended. We still chat on line occasionally by email and he gives cat support as two of his cats here. We had had eight. One was adopted,one at no kill shelter sadly,two he had at lace we shared and supposedly they were put in shelter. Pray they are well. All can do. Other four with me and my dog. We are well. We had a codependent relationship as we both have some addictions and some emotional challenges.

I did flea markets during summer for money with jewelry I make and will again this summer. Memorial day right around the corner.

My mom was ill since December of last year again until recently. I put her in nursing home. Now she is in a better one near me and I visit her weekly. She is mentally well tho mostly in wheel chair sadly. She is 91 though and I am grateful still have her. I am able to give back to her what did for me.

I joined a church and have become born again Christian. They have been very supportive of me especially when mom took ill. Pet sat even. I have some new sisters in Christ now as not close to one have.

Well that's about it. If care to comment on anything I mentioned please do. Maybe about relationships,faith,aging parents,how you save money and are surviving in this bad economy,
Mental Health Hope Chat

I got to stay in a park with my dog today as was with dog trainer

Was getting a lesson. They said no dogs here and I said she is a work dog not a pet. Later today I walked into Mobil Matrt with Carvel and subway attached to it and I got a sub and sundae. Manager didn't have a problem but young chick behind county didn't want dog and I said you all have to let me in or I call police and who ever doesn't let me in can be arrested and place gets fined as is the law. She shut up fast. Also I said I got in park after she said they don't allow dogs. I live in a rural community behind the times who only seem to understand blingd and deaf with work dogs and not those with invisible ones like me. I carry not from my doctor as need Brandy and proof of training from trainer. Brandy is a rescue trained to be assistance dog. I already battled for her in my housing agianst about 6 closed minded mean spirted old bitties as live in senior disabled housing. They tried to get me out as I'm not 100 like them. They are gossipy too and do it as I pass or near my windows and doors. Makes me nutty. Sometimes there is an art show or there is a free swim at pool or bird watching in park,art class but while I can afford to see it and participate paying $ 10 round trip for taxi gets costly. WAs supposed to get $ for transport but funding lost due to budget cut backs. rest here do own thing. Noone here to talk to or be with. So is lonely. Average person wants nothing to do with me as not much in common. I have no husband as I attracted users and abusers and no kids as I felt not fair as I felt I wouldn't make a good mother as medicine fatigues me and I go thru memory loss so don't do alot in day. Hard to motivate self and concentrate too. I often feel like I'm in a box. While there are grouips to support those with disabilities, other than day programs which not alot goin on, there is not much for those with disabilites. Would be nice if I could attend an art class or studio art time with local artists,jam with other singers and guitarist,attend a writer's work shop,meet with a gardening group. There are some in my area but I haven't been able to get to any.

I came up here with a freind but he is a dry alcoholic who is irresponsible with $ and doesn't open mail or handle his affairs well. WE came up north from outside city together but while he visits occasionally I only have me to depend on. He likes to cook,garden,pets and is a good listener. That is all.
Sadly I get quite down and find it hard to get inspired as little $,no car(shared one),few people to do things with,most work or go to school and my life is different. I accept this. I have been looking for used car '95 or older from private owner as don't have much to play with. Once get can be out of here alot.

I asserted self today and wasn't passive or aggressive. May have been bullied and victimized and even am now in my housing but I stood my ground today