paid site down..

Spam deleted.

Wasn't making money off it. Had free trial. Cancelled with company! around Xmas when due to expire free trial but since holiday,offices closed and was billed $ 41. I called Vistaprint and they removed fee. Sadly my bank billed me $ 35. Eventhough I have no overdraft protection so if money not there,not supposed to cover transaction. Bank rep. Said best can do is remove $ 15. Of $ 35. Fee. I said need money took to live as on tight disability income with disabilities. He said would speak to supervisor. Left #. Still no call back. Will follow up next week.

Typing on new portable,wifi pc using pen. Prefer just typing on regular size key board but Android cheap,$ 100. so trying it out. Have a month til decide to return to CVS where got or not. It is by Craig. So far have seen no number to call for any support but an email and 90 day waurantee only. No cam but has some apps free like games,radio stations can't get here,some organization tools like calendar,note taking. For $ 92. , saw another mini laptop +7" with cam and ship. Also had seen one with cam and year tech soft,hard ware support with 2 GB android. Also one in windows same price,no cam. Have heard from techie better with windows as Android often has problem. Windows pricey so good if in it. I do want,need cam to replace damaged Fuji. Had sent it back to company. Rebuilt $ 90. With zoom,4 mpx,video. Still need to research options better.

Come to my meditation Class...

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and meet me at town hall in Cairo,NY. Runs fro 6 PM-8PM. Suggested donation is $5.00 I have more info on my web site Artzstuf so just click on link above. Hoe to see you there!

Also don't forget to come to our holiday stroll 11/26 also in Cairo on main street. I will be at Gallagher's as a crafter/artist selling my jewelry,art. Runs from 3:30-7 PM. free admission,refreshments,vendors,parade,tree lighting to welcome in the holiday season.

Have a Happy,safe Thanksgiving all!

Got some food from food pantry today for Thanksgiving and...

While I appreciate your comments to my posts, I would ask firstly that they pertain to topic and are not spam in nature. Thanks!

also got a couple of coupons from them so could get milk and a roasted chicken from the super market. It looked like was having nothing til some lady on bus told me food pantry giving out food. Cat food running low and just bought it. Will call first and get some Tuesday from them hopefully.

I also spoke to pastor and volunteers about my situation,how make jewelry,art and can't get around to sell it,how broke am,how alone am here as noone to do things with,just now people as acquaintences,not really friends. They suggested come to Bible study and could get a ride home after. Seemed sincere. Said they struggle too but together and it helps. I will give it a shot Wednesday eve.

Denise from church comes by once in a while with a donation like dropped some rubber back curtains she had as place live in is unweatherized. Have reached the point like being alone,especially at night as most people am around, I find annoying in some way within a short period of time.

Had wanted to have mom come to home for Thanksgiving not Thanksgiving day,hang out with cats,have a nice relaxing meal,watch a movie,listen to music..but have meditation class Monday night so can't do it as she can't be alone. I guess can just visit Tuesday with a bottle of grape juice in a bottle that looks like wine,something. I can also make a nice meal,freeze some of it like make a nice chicken salad and bring it next Monday with some home made mashed potatoes(will freeze them). They are having a nice meal at the nursing home she is at so she will have a nice holiday. Also having a tree trimming party 12/1/11 but I can't make that either as is late in day and have to catch b us. Will pay for her ornament to place on tree atleast as it supports their recreation programs. Mom enjoys the activities which is good as her roomie stays in the room and some stay in bed. I had my mom outside on grounds alot this past summer when visited and sometimes she was out front on own in wheel chair.

Am glad she's in a safe place and the staff is ok with her,not great as some idiots there. They say hi to her roomie and ignore my mom when enter room. I will mention this to main nurse. I sometimes am at a loss as to what to do as don't want to make things worse for her or rock the boat.

Artzstuf - Artzstuf,welcome - Cairo, NY

obviously people did read it so not all bad.Artzstuf - Artzstuf,welcome - Cairo, NYhad a post linking to my temp. free for a month trial blog that is now down. had hoped to get some buzz,biz from it. click here to see my site on Square free.

Archives of Conferences on BPD

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Just click on link of post title.

I have been having a hard time of late. Why? I suppose alot to accept. Don't have to like it though.

Alone alot as no close friends,any one to do things with or to help me if needed help even if for barter.

Making no money,not for lack of trying. Someone went to an event with me and I paid her back with jewelry make. I asked her if could do an event with me but she had plans. She has a job. Since don't hear from her,figure won't call anymore.

I know people but they have their own lives and problems so detach from me and mine.

type with 1 finger as need battery so hold pc plug or pc cuts off.

welcome to my life.

no car to get to events to sell jewelry. just had concert this weekend.
could have sold if got there. then there's the fee. how can I pay if don't have as not making it? could borrow from ma but her money. Am I a masochist as I have a solution but don't take it? No I don't like pain but avoiding it can be painful too when interferes with living your life. No guarantee will make anything and not gambling with mom's money.

Other than vending,nothing can do given my challenges. Yes I can share with you some things I do to cope like meditation,pray,stretch,deep breathe and so on..but not like I get beyond this. I feel with some support could. Did go to online recovery inc. meeting which helped. had anted to teach meditation class in town. librarians unfriendly tho i know skills. feel they on't call me. I also asked churches if could run ea and recovery inc meetings there. they need to look into it. I feel like will go nuts at times. Is meetups too where can invite people thru service online to group in area like for bpd. Don't think library would approve it. Meditation with someone,not me as stigmatize me,yes would approve. Keep me down here and broke. I could make money off it.

I think of moving as saw ad in Albany,1br for $400. I pay $650 now. Could save $,live better but why so cheap problem bad area. Pic looked nice. dunno. darned if do darned if don't. Mom in home here and would be hard to see her often as $34 round trip by bus and only run at rush hour so layover long back. Is doable and even though spend alot in car fare still cheaper than here. Would have $100 more a month.

Is a pain moving but hat is worse as sucks living here like this. If in Albany,could go to day time meetings,maybe get a p/t job somewhere,trauma therapist up there. I get treated like an alien here. They have family friends. Since I can't bond because of how raised, I don't. I wish could. Is best I keep my distance. As for a job,this comes up there too as can do for awhile but then falls apart. Sometimes I ish I was in a half way house but was for a month and they weren't supportive at all. Then I say how abot hospital,day program but then is the same. Just go to groups and alone rest of time as patients are either mean,noncommunicative,in on worlds,violent. Is why I think of suicide. I don't because of pets,mom,me but it gets tiring being me alot going thru this.

This only started recently as time on hands. I have to keep busy or get into my head.
with depression don't want to do much though so is the rub. I feel better after I do. Also I work programs daily like DBT,CBT,12 step,Recovery Inc,pray. Is like a seesaw. The devil,the illness,the negative thoughts,memories,anger,fear,every rotten thing anyone has done or said recently that I know on one side and the positive,secure thoughts,God,scripture from the Bible,program tools on the other. Is a war within myself going on. It stops after 8PM,has been like this for a long time, as day is done,only for it to start again the next day when rise. I enjoy being alone with my pets,being outside sitting in my yard alone at night,like the aloneness as no one understands here except someone else with this. I work hard to be honest,not manipulative. I am screaming inside,help me! Can't you see how much pain I am in? I just want some attention in a good way. Someone to talk to me nicely and not tell me what i should be doing like they understand where I am coming from as they don't. I have an exneighbor I see every once in awhile who is clueless as to why someone so smart as me and aware of her issues can't rise above them. The answer to that is if do too much I crack up.

Two things, I on't get involved with anyone nor will I work many hours. Why? If doesn't work out I will have a breakdown and be in hosital,not a nice place to be and be psychotic. I fear I won't get ot and will never return to any semblance of sanity which I do have. Is like I live in a parallel universe with the average person. I hear what are saying arond me but it is completely alien to my life. I hear commercials like this activity is going on this weekend. I can't get there so I stay home. I would like to go but no money either. If did though, I would appear perfectly normal as the mask i wear is so good. That is why noone has any compassion for me. They have to work for what have and figure so do I. What do you do with someone too imbalanced to? Live as I do I guess falling between a system that doesn't work,one day at a time in quiet desperation.

I get so tired of cli nical and text book reports of what BPD is. I want to know what one can do if they have it.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Me..

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(cont.)from select family,friends,support groups,chats,online and locally,humor,distract with movie,tv,not triggering),volunteering,cooking nice meal,hugging self,compassion for self,others,prayer,dropping judgement,expectations,comparing,moping,self pity,manipulating,complaining,worry,hypersensitivity,letting go of,making peace with past,forgiving those who hurt us,accept,be honest,courageous,positive,grateful,remember where were before,(replace old negative statements in writing with positive ones,reduce anger,fear with reframing,working self down,staying in day,control addictions,ask for help,company,not enabling helps. All relative. Put inspiring quotes on walls. Peace,God bless,good luck to all of us. Work it, worth it,stronger,better than you know. Brain remembers,we learn in time not to repeat same mistakes and walk down different st. so don't fall in hole again. Is crux of it. Weren't loved so we have to love us. Don't accept others trash just because have issues,maybe poor,jobless,friendless as keep to self to avoid pain or not being understood. No.one deserves abuse. It ends here,now when we say enough and take back that child,person wounded,depend on selves not another as a crutch,learn to and receive love and walk. No shame,not to blame. We didn't cause this but responsible for what do with it. Is like a balloon. By doing techniques I gave you and do myself,we let a little air out of it at a time so suffering lessens and is bearable We are great and survivors. If you are still here,you are doing more right than wrong. Nothing wrong with us,more like what happened to us. Celebrate your survival. When you finally overcome this you are a miracle and learn to love yourself. No one can take that from you.

Our journey inspires others to make the same as we fly on the backs of us pioneers just like geese taking turns leading,squawking,til we tire and let our sister,brother lead for a time til we reach our goals. Perfection is an illusion. We are ok right now as are,not defective.We need each other as we are part of a unique flock. We are not crazy but have been exposed to violence,etc. that made us function in maladaptive ways as we couldn't be direct to our abusers. When we find a safe place to live,take the right medicine,find a trauma therapist,meet other BPD peers,begin to use these tools above, the healing begins. Don't expect people who haven't lived this to understand and ask for advice as they can't give it to you. Is like we speak an unknown language. They can have empathy but they need to be in a group to deal with us. We are not bad just very misunderstood.

If click on link above can see various youtube videos concerning this illness,it's causes,treatment options,personal stories by those living ith BPD. I believe while it possible to get beyond the criteria for meeting this illness,based on the DSM manual,it is something llike alcoholism that one needs to be are of and manage for the rest of one's life. We can have a life today though due to the wonderful work and commitment from doctors in this field and the personal stories of people with this.

It is my wish that one day people with mental illness are treated with the same respect given to others with physical illnesses people can see. The best remedy is tolerance and inclusion not isolation as it breeds sickness. By daily doing what is necessary,not what we feel like doing we learn to cope with our feelings and let them rise and fall and run their course without attaching danger to them. we stop making mountains out of molehills and gradually learn ne ays of dealing with those and thew world around us and situations e may find ourselves in. We learn to make good decisions not impulsively,for us and our self esteem and security within us grows as we begin to have more and more positive experiences replacing the awful ones from the past. We stop staring as nothing ever changes there. we accept we have no power over others but ourselves and our attitudes and we begin to live life on life's terms not our own. As they say in 12 step promises.these will surely come if we work for them.

D.A.R.E. day in Greene County NY

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re:DARE day

Hide Details
FROM:
ann Eagan
TO:
darecop1700@yahoo.com
Message flagged Friday, September 23, 2011 11:37 PMMessage body
Hi,

I am an artist,jewelry designer living in Cairo. I usually go to events and sell my jewelry and art. DARE day is different. Also have been a speaking on living green at green fairs and taught jewelry class at library.What I do is healing arts in the form of jewelry making,art(painting) and some photography. I practice alternative medicine,meditation,deep breathing,stretching etc. My story is one of recovery as have struggled with depression and anxiety(in form of being down,hard to do things like homework and socially shy,nervous to point didn't want to attend school anymore and only graduated as guidance counselor referred me to pastoral counseling at Iona college,as from Westchester originally,went to school on scholarship in Rye) for many years.

What I would like to do at DARE if could is speak on mental health awareness,suicide prevention, teaching tolerance,preventing violence like from gangs,a Columbine, bullying and i see it tell an adult(as gay young teen killed himself recently and had a video on youtube about being harrassed in school for years) It is not easy growing up,being a teen,figuring out who you are,trying new things,trying to fit and maybe don't. Not everyone is or can be a foot ball star or cheerleader. Even they put on a mask and really are just trying to be a certain way to be accepted. Many parents live vicariously through their kids making them do things kids don't really want to do like play foot ball when would rather play guitar.

Sometimes kids feel like they are a disappointment. They can be impulsive and is why drink and try drugs as is around and then get behind the wheel. They don't think things thru and think they are invincible.

The name of my company,such as it is as really an artist on a small budget with a website,is Artzstuf. I could suggest alternatives being the arts in it's many forms:dance,music,painting,jewelry design,theater. I would say to be yourself once you find her/him and not to let anyone tell you you can't do something and give up on your dream just because they have on theirs. Parents will recommend going to business school and then get into whatever when graduate and kid hates it. What I do is clearly not for everyone but I am someone unimpressed by degrees and other things like prestige,power,prosperity. Getting by is enough. I bring beauty into the world What would this world be without people like us,or if everyone was a clerk? We are all different and called to be different things. I think we need to embrace our differences that make us who we are and look for the good in each other rather than the bad or the differences that divide us and as say in 12 step choose 'principles over personalities'. Many adults forget this and encourage 'hate speech',prejudice and raise children with closed minds and full of fear like themselves. I think such homes create bullies.

I have faith in something higher to which call God flowing through me so the sky's the limit. Life is an adventure and not a destination and it is no easier by not taking chances than not playing it safe and being bold. The fearful still fall in the same holes as the fearless.

There are many in this town who like to control it and don't welcome any change or those with different,new ideas. With regard to mental health. Many go down to clinic by park and live lives of isolation on outskirts of society and not mixing with it as are stigmatized. Mental,emotional illness is often caused by trauma at an early age such as child abuse,neglect and ,there are some genetic links that run in families and scientists have even seen with brain scans the brains of those with say depression function differently than those who don't . This is carried into adult hood and wreaks havoc on the one who has it and the lives they touch. Medication helps quite a bit so should tell you something. Besides being a problem in the thought area(negative thinking->bad feeling->negative,self destructive behavior ), there is a problem in how the brain is functioning or the chemistry of it. This affliction effects thousands of people. It is said 3 million people in the US alone have bipolar. How come people aren't talking about this more? I have a mood disorder. I am not one for labels as I am a logical person. They are used by shrinks to get paid by insurance companies. Not into labels that put people in neat little boxes as guess what life is messy. I take an antiseizure drug as I compare when go on shopping spree,the manic working,etc. to a seizure. My mom had them and takes something and antidepressant. Why the shame if is physical but effects the brain and body? Many feel is a private matter. I think there is a link between this and epilepsy. I also was in a car accident,head broke wind shield,at 16. Mild head injury or post concussion syndrome.

Can educate people about head injury too as do a bit dail,can get tired with meds,don't compare,block out others suggestions which took me years to do like don't take meds.

I am not ashamed of what i have as didn't cause this. John Bradshaw who wrote 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' wrote and also he was on PBS'shame is that we are a mistake,guilt is that we made a mistake'. I am no mistake. I even had a librarian here in town stand next to me while i was on pc and she said 'freak',. She is a bully and this makes some uncomfortable as usually hide some similar issues themselves. Say I can why can't you?. Not sure if directed at me as she was hanging around looking at what i was typing. She is odd herself. He describes how dysfunctional families have members in them with different roles:mascot,scape goat and so on. I was the invisible one who got good grades as is how I got any attention. Otherwise I was a slave. Cleaned around home,did landscaping and such. I used to hide from my relatives..

Later was a crime victim,was in unhealthy relationships as unhealthy and never learned how to love and receive it,had trouble sustaining employment due to social part of it,the getting along with others,especially if I felt illtreated and home burgled 2 as is why came up here.
Is common for those to be victimized,especially by criminals as are passive,often alone. I am not sure how you serve this population who one doesn't hear about unless they jump off a bridge or kill family then self after lose a job. I say a bandaid is put on it for years. Comes down to trauma and facing it and dealing with what has happened so doesn't happen again and the suffering stops. One stands up for self,learns to love who they are and go on. Not to sing my praises but I think my story is an important one and a gift to this generation. I am not crazy but have been in some crazy situations and met bullies who didn't stand u to out of fear. 'If don't stand for something you will stand anything' No one deserves abuse. It makes you crazy. I and others like me deserve so much more. Their ignorance,and not in my back yard attitudes keep them from knowing people so they rather distance selves and judge,point the finger which points back at them,as makes them feel better about selves as lack self esteem. they look for what they think are easy targets as see others shooting at them and know we might fight against one but not a whole group. Can honestly say,have 8 neighbors who hardly know mr,dislike and talk about me,say hurtful thins as can be sensitive. I am working on not being so and letting past go that wake up to each morning like Ground Hog Day.

There are self help groups such as Emotions Anonomys and Recovery Inc to heal from emotional illness yet few therapists speak or recommend them. I found out through self help clearing house. I have used many things to feel better and not just traditional methods. Currently I try to work witn 'the system' am in to get out of poverty. Government programs such as VESID say if want to be a clerk again they can ghelp and give me a job coach other wise no dice. Is kind of likie saying was in a fire so now be a fireman. They won't support my vending. Live on disability.

I would like some help in sharing it with schools,t DARE,with the police force(to give them a different slant on mental illness to wellness) and to educate people and bust the stigma. If expose it to the light of day,it loses it's power to control and scare us.

Walking in the light,

Ann

Bought a tent,used for my biz today..

Closer to... SANE!: Today was last Cairo Market day

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New web site is being worked on to increase traffic and can help more people holistically to supplement traditional medicine. Check back often to see how it is progressing. Again, do not claim to be a doctor so dont say to go off your meds that work or stop seeing doctor,therapist but to try some of my suggestions such as making art,the arts(dance,singing,music),deep breathing,stretching,meditation,etc. as a therapeutic approach to wellness.

Am off to sell some chakra jewelry and healing stones and share with public their healing powers. Also will offer some teaching of meditation.

Enjoy your day. -Ann

Expectations are best avoided so won't be disappointed,frustrated..

Today was last Cairo Market day

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Had a good opportunity today to practice the 'not being effected by what others say and do that may be hurtful and unexpected'principal. I was supposed to get the balance of money due from a client who bought a piece of jewelry. Instead she said that I 'didn't do a good job making it and she didn't want it' after wearing it a week and saying she liked it and i let her take it when she only gave me $24 as a deposit when item was $55 and she owed me on previous order $12. Initially I was annoyed but didn't show it but instead gave her some money had on me. Will not do biz with her again. Bracelet was custom-made to boot. I gave it to my mom who liked it. There was nothing wrong with it. Decided to let her and it go. All good, as I made back $40 from other customers and have another order for $20. God is good. I choose to 'wear this world as a loose garment' til I am with the Lord. Before I would have been angry and said something and then been sad,as had planned to spend the money on some things needed. I can't expect people to do what say. Need to expect disappointment and frustration as part of life and being realistic. Can't be sensitive although my nature as an artist. Also some are rude,crude,inconsiderate,stupid but must endure for my mental health. Can only control me and my attitude. Can't expect people to think like me. I can hang out and do biz with nicer people in the future and get my money up front before make anything and let them know it is non-refundable. Is why I prefer the quick sale at shows as it gets to be too much running a biz.

Flea Market was a Bust,Thanks for nothing Carol and Chamber of Commerce of Cairo,NY

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Attended flea market in Cairo, NY for the first and last time apparently this season. Carol from Chamber of Commerce here asked for $20 from me to sell at school lawn,when last year she said if there was space I didn't have to pay if space,as I said on disability. There was plenty of space as not many buy here so less vendors come. She said 'You pulled the same thing last year and don't come back next week'. I said she said could last year to which she said she didn't. I then said 'fine., not like make anything here anyway'. Maybe I'm crazy but isn't it the Chamber of Commerce's job to promote people,businesses and in my case artists who create jewelry and art here in the Hudson Valley so people can buy here to better the economy? Instead I was oppressed once again here and 'beaten down' and not encouraged,supported,praised for my work.(No one sells jewelry but me in Cairo) They charge a fee to join I can't pay. The 'youth fair' is $40 to sell there for one day. I only sold $ 40 last year and then fee had to be deducted from it so not worth my time. I sat in a hot tent for hours. Crazy! Then they wonder why many drink,drug,sell drugs in this town, when they don't support the poor to better selves creatively as am creative but infact look the other way,ignore them as if they will just go away, as not their problem when in fact is everyone's problem. Is a cold way to live not to care about your neighbor,especially when he or she has fallen beside you and yo can help in a small,simple way by giving a smile,a hello,not working against them but helping them get out of the pit of 'despair' they find selves in. At least I try and don't sit on butt watching soap operas feeding my face complaining about things and feeling sorry for myself.

I comfort self in knowing not all see things as I do so I can let anger and them go and move on. I work a 12 step program. I think everyone needs a program to 'deal' now a days with others so don't 'personalize' what do and say as is just them. Many are 'rude,crude and inconsiderate' now and just think of selves. The pathetic thing in this is that when you' think about self all the time,you don't think much of your self'. All they have is their bitterness as they are devoid of love and God. I pray i never get like this.

Today although had a straw hat on,bottled water and a portable fan,felt my body over heating due to the sun as was out in the open as was shady in morning when got there but then wasn't. I left as felt ill. Unlike many other vendors there, I had no awning and large table. Mine is home as can't carry it myself so walked there pushing a cart with chair,small table and product selling in a knapsack on my back. Do what have to do. everyone's situation is different.Can clearly see my situation is different than the rest there. She says 'others pay so can't just let me not or others won't want to either'.She seems miserable,angry and wants to make others feel the same. I will pray for her and the others in this town like her who don't have any sense of decency or 'heart'. They do nothing for you but work against you and talk about you within eAR SHOT. tHE MEN ARE LIKE 'WASH WOMEN' AND THE WOMEN BEHAVE LIKE 'OVERGROWN CATTY BRATS'. 'Some times your the wind shield sometimes your the bug' i don't have to do anything to her. God will take care of her. She doesn't know how 'lost' she is as it is by 'giving' and being 'kind' to those in need that you get blessed. 'You can't take it with you'. people wonder why they are depressed. It is how they live that makes them so.

My pets are 'my family',other than mom in home and I do my best for them and love them very much. When I ask for some help from those in community I live in,from people in better situations,working with friends,family and a car I get a slap in the face. No one does anything with me either as they are 'too good' to be my friend. All I can say is their loss.

Cairo is like many small towns in upstate NY. People came to and live here to be left alone and ran away from crime,pace and overpopulation of city. Sadly anything or anyone in a vacuum doesn't grow as humans were not made to be 'islands'. The 'townies' are ignorant,hostile,ultraconservative,narrow-minded and unfriendly. I say screw em. I walk with head phones on,do for self and amuse myself and do business else where. If you have a business,are looking for a nice community to live in, or looking to vacation in the 'Catskills' and shop,have lunch and chat some place with 'nice' people,,I'd say don't stop here.Why? The devil lurks here. He has many in bondage to sin and addiction. He is dancing leaping for joy in the streets of Cairo who has given up on itself and it's people within,especially those who make them look at themselves. They are deluded into thinking they are'good' and 'better than' the trashy people on welfare as they put it when they are worse as should know better than to act this way. 'If any man has strength let other light their candles to it'.

Isn't it ironic that Cairo got it's name from Cairo,Egypt, a city that enslaved many Jews. Cairo,NY is a reflection of this. Many of it's people are shackled in chains. Some are free but they are secret Christians too afraid to share their faith with others. God made this world,Jesus was born of Mary and died for us so we could be saved. He was the son of God and rose again. The Holy Spirit lives in each Christian so whom shall we fear?! No man or woman. 'greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world'. Today is a modern day version of Sodom and Gomora. People are doing what want and what feels good,ignoring the Bible and paying the ultimate price as they are growing further and further from God and his plan for them and following Satan instead. They might not be devil worshipers but a leapord has many spots and the devil can assume many forms in the prettiest and handsomest of faces and sweetest of voices saying what you want to hear. By reading the Bible,keeping in the word,applying it to your life,sharing it with others by attraction not promotion as Jesus did(if people didn't want it He moved on),you are obeying God. I am 'in the world but not of it'. Is why am not popular as am sharing something people don't want as they don't want to do what's best for them in the long run but rather pursue their selfish,carnal natures.

..