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Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Monday, May 12, 2008

nothing wrong with how I spell...



my dog Brandy

(she is a rescue as gal who had her moved and place moved to didn't allow pets. She had skin problems due to mites and immune deficiency to fight them. She is doing better and is on organic pet food as she enjoys living in a LOVING home where she is valued as a member of the family and not just an unwanted animal.) Part of proceeds generated from my business support my rescue work as have 3 cats also and feed the strays and have ties to Animalkind a local animal rescue group that traps strays and spays neuters them and rereleases and feeds them. Also they find homes for unwanted animals,help disadvantaged take cre of their animals,run spay neuter clinics and do vaccines. Donations for this wonderful 501(c) welcomed. Click their link for how to help!

to the last person's comment. was a typo. excuse me. Not all of us are perfect. My blog is for weight loss and sanity, not hate. For that you may want to go else where to read. Have a nice day! as Bon jovi says...

Partly what site is about. I have faith in some thing higher to which I choose to call God and there fore know no fear. I also don't get angry at what others think and say. What I think of me and waht I do is most vital. I can't possibly please all, especially those who meaN NOTHING TO ME. I don't try. My mind and fingers flow quickly tho and I am an extremely busy, hard working person so I don't always review what I write. I do believe tho the gist of what is said is clear. Perhaps if it drives you crazy how I write, you are in the right place. Keep reading! What I do doesn't make you crazy. You do that to yourself by relinquishing your power to another. Food for thought. Oh did I say food?

video link below

http://www.cbs6albany.com/video/?bcpid=1137806146&bclid=1173350596&bctid=1274002927

Monday, March 26, 2007

walking closely with God



and doing the next sober thing..I am keeping self,pets,home safe. I also feed my wild birds,bunnies out back. All I have control over. I do what can. Good Karma.

As far as career goes.. I say I am an artist. I have made $ off modeling but will only do projects I feel comfortable with. I had done cam chat too but am not doing it anymore as fed my addiction. As for addiction...my first feeble attempts at intimacy were met with abandonment. I thought man would stick by me once we "did it". Not the case..on to next is what they do. Is best not to rush into it unless know real well. Nice in theory but being human hard to control hormones. I also found with rejection is was less painful to have sex when I wanted it but soon it became a compulsion. I also felt embarrassed and guilty by what did as double standard for women. I tried to fight this as a feminist and as men did. In reality I was not a man and had more to risk than a man and paid the price.

Of late I journal in blog here and yes I have the web site so I guess I am sharing my experience,strength and hope with others on this same road. Yes we can live with this,we do not need to be ashamed as is a a sickness like any other and yes we can get better. It does take time. Don't let anyone put you down.

I am trying to come to terms with what has happened to me..the why's,how's and so on. From my understanding..I was hurt by some pretty sick people who them selves were hurt. Also it made them feel better about selves to pick on me for being different and not doing to 9-5 job or whatever their problem with me was. None of their business. It took focus off them. I in turn hurt people by following the drama triangle...one minute perpetrator,next minute victim next minute rescuer..I caught self in it with friend the other day and I caught my self and I said what he does is not business. When I get plank out of my eye can take out speck in his. I had to look at good in him and there is alot there. I have no right to hurt another. I am far from perfect yet he accepts me,cares and isn't judging.

I also resented the men I was hurt by who used me and in turn I said well use him back. I know they feared intimacy like me and settled for this way of getting close if only for a night..which was a misuse of sex and addictive.

I didn't know how to relate to anyone in a healthy way as I didn't accept me. I never was accepted for me. I do now with my flaws and mistakes. I am human. I was brought up to be perfect so human was not acceptable. I am a human being not doing. I have learned it's not about me or you but God. To do what is necessary daily and not just what I want. It doesn't mean I don't have some thing to contribute like my writing as I think I have some thing to say based on what I have learned. I have a place in this world and don't need to excuse myself for being on the planet anymore. I think in this way I can relate to others and be kind without trying to save them,control them and then persecute them when they do not do as I say like I am God and then play the victim. I can only handle me and man that is enough.

So for today I can say I am writing. As a model yes some stuff was published in book,magazine,on web sites,private collectors and yes I was paid so am accomplished by society's standards. I even had a poem published. I have written articles for news paper.

These days I would say I am trying to find some thing to get absorbed in and feel good about. What is a success? Could be many things..being a good parent,having a career,being a good spouse...is a person thing. For me it is having a purpose for good and living a decent life and when I put my head on the pillow being able to live with me. It is not about money. All I need is enough to get by. I don't date as I need to get strong enough in me so don't repeat behaviour of past so I stop being hurt. I am taking care of me and don't need a man to complete me.

Raise Mental Health Awareness Today (May=Mental Health Month)

Raise Mental Health Awareness Today (May=Mental Health Month)
Why are there no runs for Mental Health?!

Me..

Me..
Blog Author

landscape painting

landscape painting
by Stanley Maltzman,(great art teacher. I studied with him.)

My water color painting

My water color painting
"Cows" (Click link to see more of my ART!)

Henry Hudson River

Henry Hudson River
Quadricentennial

Me

Me
on the couch..Yeh, who doesn't need therapy?!

Mail me FREE stuff to Review!

Mail me FREE stuff to Review!
Clue: it better be healthy! Yes I write FREE! reviews if I like the product and it's GREEn!

New Book on China

New Book on China
Buy American Please!

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