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Showing posts with label drama triangle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drama triangle. Show all posts

Monday, March 26, 2007

walking closely with God



and doing the next sober thing..I am keeping self,pets,home safe. I also feed my wild birds,bunnies out back. All I have control over. I do what can. Good Karma.

As far as career goes.. I say I am an artist. I have made $ off modeling but will only do projects I feel comfortable with. I had done cam chat too but am not doing it anymore as fed my addiction. As for addiction...my first feeble attempts at intimacy were met with abandonment. I thought man would stick by me once we "did it". Not the case..on to next is what they do. Is best not to rush into it unless know real well. Nice in theory but being human hard to control hormones. I also found with rejection is was less painful to have sex when I wanted it but soon it became a compulsion. I also felt embarrassed and guilty by what did as double standard for women. I tried to fight this as a feminist and as men did. In reality I was not a man and had more to risk than a man and paid the price.

Of late I journal in blog here and yes I have the web site so I guess I am sharing my experience,strength and hope with others on this same road. Yes we can live with this,we do not need to be ashamed as is a a sickness like any other and yes we can get better. It does take time. Don't let anyone put you down.

I am trying to come to terms with what has happened to me..the why's,how's and so on. From my understanding..I was hurt by some pretty sick people who them selves were hurt. Also it made them feel better about selves to pick on me for being different and not doing to 9-5 job or whatever their problem with me was. None of their business. It took focus off them. I in turn hurt people by following the drama triangle...one minute perpetrator,next minute victim next minute rescuer..I caught self in it with friend the other day and I caught my self and I said what he does is not business. When I get plank out of my eye can take out speck in his. I had to look at good in him and there is alot there. I have no right to hurt another. I am far from perfect yet he accepts me,cares and isn't judging.

I also resented the men I was hurt by who used me and in turn I said well use him back. I know they feared intimacy like me and settled for this way of getting close if only for a night..which was a misuse of sex and addictive.

I didn't know how to relate to anyone in a healthy way as I didn't accept me. I never was accepted for me. I do now with my flaws and mistakes. I am human. I was brought up to be perfect so human was not acceptable. I am a human being not doing. I have learned it's not about me or you but God. To do what is necessary daily and not just what I want. It doesn't mean I don't have some thing to contribute like my writing as I think I have some thing to say based on what I have learned. I have a place in this world and don't need to excuse myself for being on the planet anymore. I think in this way I can relate to others and be kind without trying to save them,control them and then persecute them when they do not do as I say like I am God and then play the victim. I can only handle me and man that is enough.

So for today I can say I am writing. As a model yes some stuff was published in book,magazine,on web sites,private collectors and yes I was paid so am accomplished by society's standards. I even had a poem published. I have written articles for news paper.

These days I would say I am trying to find some thing to get absorbed in and feel good about. What is a success? Could be many things..being a good parent,having a career,being a good spouse...is a person thing. For me it is having a purpose for good and living a decent life and when I put my head on the pillow being able to live with me. It is not about money. All I need is enough to get by. I don't date as I need to get strong enough in me so don't repeat behaviour of past so I stop being hurt. I am taking care of me and don't need a man to complete me.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Do you want to stop being a victim?!

Icarus Project

Is something I have done as an addict with emotional problems and codependent issues which perpetuated dependency on each of our parts (first with mom and me) then (male friend and me). It also involved some rescuing as took focus off each other. My part was acting like God and how I know what is best for you by being very controlling. At the same time others were my GOD so I didn't have to take responsibility for me and didn't trust my judgement. Such behaviour of changing from victim to rescuer to persecutor is called the Drama Triangle. I feel I help Bill, my friend as he doesn't do stuff for self like open mail. I have layed off alot and have made suggestions and not gotten angry and left for him to do or not. After I did stuff when didn't want to ..I felt resentment and took it out on him. He in turn would get angry with me if I backed off and did for self.

I also have been victimized in relationshps, on jobs and where i live by neighbors. Now is all can do about so I keep to self,ignore and avoid em. Seems to work. As for men I don't date as don't need to get close and they leave. As for jobs I work on own and trying to find model jobs .

For more on behavoior of triangel look here

Raise Mental Health Awareness Today (May=Mental Health Month)

Raise Mental Health Awareness Today (May=Mental Health Month)
Why are there no runs for Mental Health?!

Me..

Me..
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landscape painting

landscape painting
by Stanley Maltzman,(great art teacher. I studied with him.)

My water color painting

My water color painting
"Cows" (Click link to see more of my ART!)

Henry Hudson River

Henry Hudson River
Quadricentennial

Me

Me
on the couch..Yeh, who doesn't need therapy?!

Mail me FREE stuff to Review!

Mail me FREE stuff to Review!
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New Book on China

New Book on China
Buy American Please!

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