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'here's to your health!'
How to access the risk factors in deciding whether a parent is still able to live alone involves several criteria. If you are like many of us, you don't live down the road from your parent. Much of what you hear that is going on or not going on in your parent's life then is based on their interpretation of things which may or may not be true. Some are prone to exageration or intentionally try to make their children feel guilty so they will drop everything, including their own lives and come running. In some cases this could mean driving six hours or jumping on a plane. This is particularly hard if you work full time or have a family depending on you. So what does one do? First you need to keep things in perspective and be level-headed about how you deal with it all as this is just the beginning of what can be a long bumpy ride. Contrary to what some may think in that their parent(s) are just being difficult, this is all perfectly normal and part of the aging process. It is also about the parent-child relationship as it shifts as our parent (s) get past a certain age, say 65. Then they become more frail,begin to have health problems and we need to pick up the slack and help them, instead of being selfish and them helping us. If we are honest with ourselves, it's about time. When parents retire, many end up being baby sitters for their daughters with no pay. It becomes expected of them. It is fine for awhile but then they need a break.
With my own mother, she chose to work until 76 as she wanted to be productive and she felt she needed the extra money. Actually she could have gone into senior housing back then at 62 and paid a fraction of what she was paying in rent(30% of income). She delayed it as those places tend to be gossipy. We eventually convinced her and my sister had her moved in after I found the place, after putting in applications at many places. It was well maintained too. Then we got her an aide to assist her. There were some 'doozies' along the way but she eventually clicked with someone and had her for 10 years until the woman passed on. My mom would go to a senior center a couple of times a week and doctor appointments. Aide would do laundry, food shopping with her and clean, chit chat and occasionally take bus and go clothes shopping until got to be too much for my mom. I advise an agency hired to assist your parent with a 24 beeper worn on parent's neck, working with phone in case parent falls so ambulance can take her/him to emergency room at hospital. Agency is paid by insurance company. They have a visiting nurse come by and take vitals, give out medication, offer physical therapy,etc. The goal here is to alleviate their stress and loneliness they often feel at this stage of their lives.
When I started getting the calls from upstate NY from my mom in lower Westchester at 2 AM that she fell as was feeling light headed and was at the ER, I was shocked at first. After the 4th trip there in a month, the agency told me she was no longer able to be alone and they could no longer care for her as she needed more care. She had previously been in the nursing home near her apartment building as became depressed. She came home briefly and I went back home after staying at her place and visiting daily. She ended up in the hospital afer having seizures,something never had before and afer was placed in the nursing home wing. She was exhibiting signs of dementia. She was scared of the people caring for her. I had her transferred to another home. The doctor was excellent and put her on an anti-seizure drug(keperin) and seizures stopped. He also recommended she be kept in quiet area. I visited and found her sitting in her own business. It was obvious it had been for some time. Later a catheter was inserted. They put them(patients) in wheel chairs in the tv room where one channel ran all day. Needless to say I pulled her out of there and had her transferred to the nursing home upstate where I could visit her weekly and call the staff to check on her. She had a nice roommate,attended art classes,a therapist, group therapy(to adjust to being in a home). She had a dedicated aide, the nurses were pleasant and so was her doctor. My mom was a big woman and incontinent. She manipulated me into bringing her home but after a few days I returned her as I couldn't care for her. It was too much. I started seeing a therapist to cope.
After a year upstate, she developed a huge ulcer. She had to have blood transfusions, nearly died several times,got to the point couldn't eat as was nauseous. The ulcer hole had closed so the bleeding had stopped which as a good thing and I felt hope only to be told that she was dying and didn't have long as she couldn't keep anything down. I had wanted to try entroscopic surgery but my mom had had enough and hospice was called in. At this point it was all about keeping her comfortable to die and not prolonging her life and helping her. The doctor and nurses went away. It was hard for me to take as am a fighter and didn't want to give up on her. It was her wish and I had to respect it. During this tme we spoke often about the past, she kept seeing her therapist who helped her come to terms with her life that she had lead and the present, and now the stages of death. She said to me I remember "I didn't know it was this bad. I thought I had more time." It broke my heart as I loved my mom dearly for not what she did or didn't do for me as she made her mistakes as we all do, but because she was my mom! She passed soon after and I said good bye to her prior as didn't want to be there for that but hospice was so she was not alone. She was on morphine and was out of it anyway.
Looking back on it, it was a blessing to share that experience with my mom and be able to be there for her. She had been there listening to me complain about work,relationships,this and that like so many of us do,for years. She was a very selfless,religious person,quiet and kind. I had several masses said for her and a priest came from my church before she passed so she could be at peace. What we have to come to terms with when dealing wth our aging parents is saying we are sorry and them saying the same as we do our best. I wasn't such a great daughter as have my problems as many of us do. She was there for me though. I didn't listen and did what wanted. I remembered her birthday,Christmas,mother's day,valentine's day and visited her when could which wasn't enough but I arranged for her to be be cared for as best as I could so I could have my own life. Atleast I was there though as like many familes one is designated as the caretaker. When was younger there was alot of instability in the home and I feel like I could have been better taken care of. It is done now and one has to do the best with each day but it has effected me,my life and my relationships. I think that is why many children don't visit their parents in nursing homes and hospitals as they felt neglected like me or were abused as children. Regardless, it is closure we all need and am grateful and feel blessed truly for the experience as was able to share my story of what went through(not around) wih my aged parent with you. I hope it will be of help to you on this journey all of us have to go on.
How to access the risk factors in deciding whether a parent is still able to live alone involves several criteria. If you are like many of us, you don't live down the road from your parent. Much of what you hear that is going on or not going on in your parent's life then is based on their interpretation of things which may or may not be true. Some are prone to exageration or intentionally try to make their children feel guilty so they will drop everything, including their own lives and come running. In some cases this could mean driving six hours or jumping on a plane. This is particularly hard if you work full time or have a family depending on you. So what does one do? First you need to keep things in perspective and be level-headed about how you deal with it all as this is just the beginning of what can be a long bumpy ride. Contrary to what some may think in that their parent(s) are just being difficult, this is all perfectly normal and part of the aging process. It is also about the parent-child relationship as it shifts as our parent (s) get past a certain age, say 65. Then they become more frail,begin to have health problems and we need to pick up the slack and help them, instead of being selfish and them helping us. If we are honest with ourselves, it's about time. When parents retire, many end up being baby sitters for their daughters with no pay. It becomes expected of them. It is fine for awhile but then they need a break.
With my own mother, she chose to work until 76 as she wanted to be productive and she felt she needed the extra money. Actually she could have gone into senior housing back then at 62 and paid a fraction of what she was paying in rent(30% of income). She delayed it as those places tend to be gossipy. We eventually convinced her and my sister had her moved in after I found the place, after putting in applications at many places. It was well maintained too. Then we got her an aide to assist her. There were some 'doozies' along the way but she eventually clicked with someone and had her for 10 years until the woman passed on. My mom would go to a senior center a couple of times a week and doctor appointments. Aide would do laundry, food shopping with her and clean, chit chat and occasionally take bus and go clothes shopping until got to be too much for my mom. I advise an agency hired to assist your parent with a 24 beeper worn on parent's neck, working with phone in case parent falls so ambulance can take her/him to emergency room at hospital. Agency is paid by insurance company. They have a visiting nurse come by and take vitals, give out medication, offer physical therapy,etc. The goal here is to alleviate their stress and loneliness they often feel at this stage of their lives.
When I started getting the calls from upstate NY from my mom in lower Westchester at 2 AM that she fell as was feeling light headed and was at the ER, I was shocked at first. After the 4th trip there in a month, the agency told me she was no longer able to be alone and they could no longer care for her as she needed more care. She had previously been in the nursing home near her apartment building as became depressed. She came home briefly and I went back home after staying at her place and visiting daily. She ended up in the hospital afer having seizures,something never had before and afer was placed in the nursing home wing. She was exhibiting signs of dementia. She was scared of the people caring for her. I had her transferred to another home. The doctor was excellent and put her on an anti-seizure drug(keperin) and seizures stopped. He also recommended she be kept in quiet area. I visited and found her sitting in her own business. It was obvious it had been for some time. Later a catheter was inserted. They put them(patients) in wheel chairs in the tv room where one channel ran all day. Needless to say I pulled her out of there and had her transferred to the nursing home upstate where I could visit her weekly and call the staff to check on her. She had a nice roommate,attended art classes,a therapist, group therapy(to adjust to being in a home). She had a dedicated aide, the nurses were pleasant and so was her doctor. My mom was a big woman and incontinent. She manipulated me into bringing her home but after a few days I returned her as I couldn't care for her. It was too much. I started seeing a therapist to cope.
After a year upstate, she developed a huge ulcer. She had to have blood transfusions, nearly died several times,got to the point couldn't eat as was nauseous. The ulcer hole had closed so the bleeding had stopped which as a good thing and I felt hope only to be told that she was dying and didn't have long as she couldn't keep anything down. I had wanted to try entroscopic surgery but my mom had had enough and hospice was called in. At this point it was all about keeping her comfortable to die and not prolonging her life and helping her. The doctor and nurses went away. It was hard for me to take as am a fighter and didn't want to give up on her. It was her wish and I had to respect it. During this tme we spoke often about the past, she kept seeing her therapist who helped her come to terms with her life that she had lead and the present, and now the stages of death. She said to me I remember "I didn't know it was this bad. I thought I had more time." It broke my heart as I loved my mom dearly for not what she did or didn't do for me as she made her mistakes as we all do, but because she was my mom! She passed soon after and I said good bye to her prior as didn't want to be there for that but hospice was so she was not alone. She was on morphine and was out of it anyway.
Looking back on it, it was a blessing to share that experience with my mom and be able to be there for her. She had been there listening to me complain about work,relationships,this and that like so many of us do,for years. She was a very selfless,religious person,quiet and kind. I had several masses said for her and a priest came from my church before she passed so she could be at peace. What we have to come to terms with when dealing wth our aging parents is saying we are sorry and them saying the same as we do our best. I wasn't such a great daughter as have my problems as many of us do. She was there for me though. I didn't listen and did what wanted. I remembered her birthday,Christmas,mother's day,valentine's day and visited her when could which wasn't enough but I arranged for her to be be cared for as best as I could so I could have my own life. Atleast I was there though as like many familes one is designated as the caretaker. When was younger there was alot of instability in the home and I feel like I could have been better taken care of. It is done now and one has to do the best with each day but it has effected me,my life and my relationships. I think that is why many children don't visit their parents in nursing homes and hospitals as they felt neglected like me or were abused as children. Regardless, it is closure we all need and am grateful and feel blessed truly for the experience as was able to share my story of what went through(not around) wih my aged parent with you. I hope it will be of help to you on this journey all of us have to go on.
1 comment:
Caretaking an aging parent hard but support groups help.
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